I’m different these days. Not at all different but still, something feels different. The world doesn’t move fast enough for me to enjoy it fully, time doesn’t move fast enough for me to wonder how long it’s been. Everything moves slowly, but in this stillness I find myself evolving, changing, or maybe not changing at all. But the thing I most dreaded a few months back, that possibility of change, that possibility of not feeling like I had felt that day anymore is now what I find myself craving, and maybe even achieving.
The idea of being free, the idea of feeling any kind of new feeling is what excites me now. I am not even sad that I don’t miss him anymore, I am not even sad that I don’t miss what he represented, what he brought to me. Truth is I am not even sad about not being sad. I am just free I suppose. And I haven’t felt this free for a long time, I haven’t felt this light for a really long time. Not even when I thought I didn’t feel anything for anyone at all. I am not emotionless, I am just bad emotion free. And that’s a really good thing.
I have more things to worry about than worry for a boy who destroyed my life and would continue to do so if I kept my place and constantly worried that he’d be let down if I ever left his side. That I’d just be like all the others if he ever looked around to see that of the last person he thought would leave even if he knew it to be the one who wouldn’t was not around anymore. I was afraid to let him down even when he failed me and because of that I let myself down.
He doesn’t need me, he never did. And maybe I never needed him. Maybe I just needed the thought of needing him, maybe needing someone made me feel like I was finally getting what I saw everybody else get. Someone to need, someone who liked that feeling, and someone who came around for you.
Well, the thing I found out is that you may need someone every now and again, they may even need you back, but that doesn’t mean that they will come back for you every time you cry for help. I’d made my peace a long time ago, I’m just now catching up with it. In everyone’s life things come and go, people come and go, relationships change, nothing stays the same for long. And if it does, you are probably one hell of a lucky person, one in a million as they say.
I am not sad about it, I am not regretful, I am not even shameful, I am just thankful. Not entirely but thankful enough. Everything I’ve been through made me who I am today, and I like who I am. Not every day but today, I do.
Today I am the kind of person who laughs and smiles and someone who is happy to be alive, someone who enjoys it. Someone who is happy about the little things. There is no such thing as sad endings. Chapters are closed so new ones can begin. Better ones! But as long as you’re alive the story goes on. You just have to make sure it’s a story worth telling about.
