If there is one thing he’s taught me, is that more often than not people that should have no business loving you can end up loving you best. More than the ones that should love you and your many flaws unconditionally. And sometimes, sometimes more than you could ever love yourself. It’s a sad thought I know, a gloomy view of our world but it is also an awfully nice thing to have if you are lucky enough to find it. This little ray of hope. The idea that even if everything else goes wrong, even if the people closest to you keep leaving you behind that somewhere out there is a better chance at happiness, a rightful one! Somewhere in this world there’s at least one person that will make their life a part of yours, that will take time to teach you something valuable and might even give you something even more immeasurable – a heart worth breaking. That’s when you know for sure you have found them. When they give you something as fragile as that and still you’d rather die a thousand deaths than submit it to its worst fate. When you fight for it with everything you’ve got, when you give someone else a piece of your own soul without asking for anything in return. That’s when you know you’d rather break your own heart than have to endure the sound of a million shattered pieces mercilessly ringing across your ears until the end of time. That’s what he’s taught me. That’s the vision he brought to my life after years of denial. That maybe not everything is as lost as we think it is. That maybe we do get something pure out of this life after all.
I went to the kitchen to get something to heat and my landlord showed up and asked “Hey B, are you alone?” to which I foolishly looked around and said “Uh yeah.”
Then as he muttered for me to turn off the lights once I was done I realized that the sadness suddenly pounding at my heart wasn’t because I was alone but because I was suddenly reminded that I was lonely.
I used to be great on my own but lately I feel really lonely even around my own friends.
Lately I found out that I can’t write about him for too long, it drains me out completely.
I feel every single emotion all over again either good or bad and it is just too overwhelming for me because it seems magnified and it is like they are all coming in full force.
Whenever I try to write about me and him it gets to a point where I have to stop to let it all sink in and tuck me in for the night.
Kind of like right now. I am writing about the time he picked me up at the airport as a surprise after being away from each other for months. It was one of the best moments but writing about it is making me really happy all over again and really sad because we are back to being apart.
Just like when I tried to write about the morning I had to leave and I can’t go past certain words because I feel my despair all over again.
Powerful emotions, powerful moments in your life they hit you in every single way.
A swift glance, a light touch, a quick kiss on the lips that makes your whole body sink into desire. These are the simple things that I find myself craving every now and again. Things that have been denied to me for far too long.
But no more! By Friday I will get to have all of that back and so much more. I am not ecstatic for a birthday celebration for they have been happening every year since I was born. I am longing for the moment when I finally lay eyes on him, the moment when he looks into mine and smiles that smile I know so well. I am waiting for the moment when my skin touches his, the moment when the electricity of his body, the pull that pulls me into him, into looking for solace in his arms takes over me.
I know it will leave a bittersweet taste on me, but I need these three days. I know it will feel unfair when I have to catch that plane back here but I’ll be happy to have shared this with him. Because the truth is, I’ll be home. For the next three days I get to come home to him. And there is nothing in the world that could make me happier.
London, at night, somewhere in the future I am walking down the street in heels, black fitted skirt and dark blue shirt. I know it wasn’t my present because I noticed I looked older, grown up even. It wasn’t about how much time it had passed but what happened between now and then. I looked wiser somehow.
I turn the corner and walk up to the entrance of a bar that has a long line of people waiting to get in. I walk up to the security guard and he steps away so I can walk in with a smile and says to me “Hey you! Almost thought I wasn’t gonna see you tonight. It just started.” to which I reply by kissing him on the cheek and saying “As if! I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
I walk into the bar and although it’s big it has a nice and intimate vibe to it. It’s modern and rustic at the same time which gives it a very comfy persona. The lights are dimmed and people are chatting and enjoying the performance of the group that’s on stage. I walk up to the bar and ask for a drink before I join the table at the centre where my friends are all sitting. All of them look older, around my age at that time I suppose.
I pull up an empty chair and as I look on stage my smile opens up as I see the singer standing right in front of me as he finishes his song. Joe and his band are performing tonight. He looks at me with a happy look on his face but that seems as though it has been missing from his features in a long time. We look at each other for a few seconds but as ordinary as it may seem on the outside we are actually having an intimate silent conversation.
He looks back at his band mates, nods and takes centre stage again as a piano stars to play. Very quickly he scans the room in front of him and smiles before saying “Well this next song is a song that’s very close to my heart, and I know it may be a sad one but the way Adele put it I think that everyone can relate to it. If not the situation at least the sentiment of it. Love right? Everyone knows a thing or two about it but sometimes it’s not the words so much that matter but the feeling of the whole thing and the feeling on this one, for me is just powerful. That’s all I’m gonna say, powerful… This is Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ and I’m gonna dedicate this to someone very dear to me, I hope you like it.” and as the audience clapped and the melody from the piano took form he very subtly looked at me with a smile that spoke about more than just happiness, a secret smile.
The lights were shinning only on him and it looked as if the light was radiating off of him. In front of him the room was dark expect for the candles that were lit in every table which set a mood of romanticism and nostalgia all around. And as the song progressed the world around us started disappearing. Every single person would fade into the darkness until there was only me standing in a candle lit room and Joe on stage singing me a song.
I remember thinking that I was getting the message all wrong. There was no way that he could be saying those things to me. I mean, how could it be me? I remember feeling a stab of pain on my chest because of it, and with it tears were suddenly flooding my eyes. The way he was singing it, it seemed it was his way of telling me something. As the last words sounded “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…” and the piano finished the melody he closed his eyes, smiled a shy smile and tried to hide the tear that was just about to fall off his eye. And that’s when he looked at me, really looked at me! And then as I saw his gaze fall to my left hand I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. So I looked down at my own hand and saw a wedding ring as well. But they didn’t match…
You know when you are dropped in the middle of a dream and you don’t know anything about anything except what you pick up along the way? That was me. One moment I was so sure of what was happening and the other I was looking for clues trying to understand what was going on.
Well, later on when the show was over and everyone enthusiastically asked for more the band got off the stage and went over to the bar to enjoy a few drinks. I followed him with my eyes wishing I could just talk to him. And then I noticed someone pointing in my direction and the way he followed his friends gaze to where I was standing. We looked at each other until I decided to get up and talk to him.
He moved away from his friends as I got closer. I greeted them with a smile and followed Joe into a more private space. He looked at me, all of me and smiled as I opened my arms to hug him. “You sure look good! I’ve always liked that colour on you…” he whispered. I hugged him tighter “Thank you, but there are other things that look better on me than this. At least I’ve always thought so.” He nodded with amusement “True.”
We look at each other and there is a pained look on both our faces that match the burning feeling inside, this strange and yet very present pull towards one another. I want to do more than hug him but I know for some reason that I can’t. I want to hold him and kiss him and touch him…touch his arm, rub my hand up and down his back. But I can’t. Why can’t I? And yet the answer is burning into the skin of my ring finger.
“That was really nice, you sounded really good up there.” “Thanks kid, that means a lot.” “Good thing they kept the younger ones outside though or else we would not have been able to talk right now.”, “You think I’d let that happen?” and as soon as those words left his mouth a look of regret flashed in his eyes and he took a step back. “I…I’m…” and before anything else could happen someone infiltrated our safe space. “Hi stranger! I’ve been looking all over for you.” said a feminine voice as the woman it belonged to hugged his neck and kissed his cheek in a subtle and yet possessive way. Just to show me whose property I was trespassing.
And just like that the intimacy of that moment was disrupted and everything shifted. He looked at me with longing before dismissively smiling as to cover up what had just happened. “Well I’m gonna get that refill. I’ll find you later, maybe?” and even thought the flashy blonde on his arm kept trying to get his attention he looked at me and gave me a silent “Of course” as I smiled and walked away.
I walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a shot. As I waited an old face joined in on the barstool next to me. “Going heavy tonight?” I look over and his best friend is looking at me with a sympathetic look on his face. “The only way I know how.” he chuckles before his tone turns serious “You know that he was…” “Yeah I know, doesn’t make it any easier though.” my order is placed in front of me “How it all ended up like this is beside me to be honest. This is not how I thought my life would turn out” I drink my shot before any one of us can say anything more but he just looks at me lost for words so I take the lead. “But it was good to see you man. It feels like forever.” He nods in agreement as I hold onto his arm and give him a silent goodbye before I walk back to my table.
As I sit down and take a look back I see Joe with his wife. With her back turned to me and unable to see what is going on she is obliviously chatting away but he’s not listening. And then, in a split second his expression hardens and he sits up straight as anger graces his features. I am confused but soon I understand his reaction. A warmer body than mine embraces me in a hug and strange lips kiss my head from behind. And as this strange man that is my husband expresses his content for seeing me again I look over to Joe’s face, see the sadness in his eyes, and close mine to try and fight back the tears that insist on falling down my face. And just like that I wake up…
John Green - The Fault In Our Stars
My Dearest Children,
By the time you get to read this Mom will be a bit older than she is right now. Probably a lot more wrinkles on her face, eyes not as bright as they used to be and the body of a teenager no more. But I’ll be opening up this door so you can see past all that and into the girl I was before I met you. Mom as you know it was born the same day as you and before that I was just B.
I consider myself to be very lucky in life even when I don’t. I was a fighter and winner even before I took my first breath and that’s how I know that you’ll be winners too. Because it’s in you and I don’t need to look at your faces to know that much.
Your great-grandmother has been and will continue to be irreplaceable in my life. Without her there wouldn’t be a me, and without me there wouldn’t be you. She is the one I’ll try to emulate when it comes to the adventure of being a parent. I hope I’m good at it. If I do half of everything she ever did for me then I know you’ll be alright, I know you’ll turn out great.
You’ll want to spend a lot of time with her as I often do. You’ll want to hug her mid-sentence just to remind her that you love her. You’ll want to go on walks with her just so you can get her all to yourself. You’ll want to laugh with her because she is fun to be around even though she’s getting older. If I know anything is that she will love you and be there for you whenever you need her. For a kiss on your forehead, a scolding look whenever you mess around or some really good advice if you’re ever not sure of what to do. Believe me, I should know. She was always there for me.
Kids, growing up may not be easy on everyone. Some people are not as lucky as others and their “differences” feel like burdens when they should feel like their greatest quality. Everyone is special in their own way, and I don’t say this because I’m talking to my kids. I say this because it is the truth. Everyone has a gift and no one should make you feel bad about it. You have it, and you own it because it’s a part of you. Don’t ever let anyone make you deny yourself, ever!
When you grow up you might find things about yourself like everyone does eventually. You might find that you like girls, or boys or maybe even both. That won’t matter. People think whatever they want to think, everyone is entitled to an opinion but no one should ever tell you who you should love. Love happens. It’s not a choice the head makes, it’s entirely up to your heart. Whoever you love don’t hold it back on the account of others. That won’t be fair to you or the object of your affection. People can do what they may but they won’t ever be able to take that feeling away from you and they won’t ever be able to feel it for you. Please for you, for me don’t ever not love. Love with every cell in your body, with every fibre in your being even if it’s not reciprocated. Love! And when you find it, wherever you find it, whoever you choose to love, don’t run away from it. Not to love would be far too cruel a fate.
It was May. I remember looking up at the sky on that particular night. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing too extraordinary either. And yet what was sure to be a peaceful night of sleep turned into such a bittersweet walk down memory lane.
Looking back I guess my mind was trying to show me once more what I was missing. What I had been really needing and not acknowledging because it had been so long that for me it wasn’t worth it anymore…
Have you ever had a dream where you know for a fact that you’re dreaming? Those dreams where evil can’t scare you because you can tell you’re taking too long to hit the ground on your way down. Or that the man chasing you is never going to catch you because you keep getting away in the most bizarre fashion you could imagine. And yet there’s that one per cent chance that it might be real. And that one per cent chance is enough to give your dreams that little taste of fear they sometimes need.
This was not that kind of dream. Actually I knew for a fact that I was dreaming but I wasn’t falling for my own death or running for my life. I was in a way finally getting what I never did in real life. One last chance.
I was in my Great-aunt’s living room enjoying the company of my family. Everyone was happily chatting away. Laughter was heard all around and there was this sweet soothing melody that embraced the room in a protective way. I remember I was sitting next to an empty chair in the middle of the room when all of a sudden the door opens. No one but me noticed the slight movement of the door but the presence of the one to open it was so strong that the chatter stopped at once. No one actually needed to look over their shoulder or turn away to know who was standing by the door but the room’s attention shifted.
There she was, just as I saw her last, just as I remember her. Her crooked back, her slow pace, her immediate reaction to walk right for all the eyes laid on her. Her pale wrinkled skin that told the tales she was now too tired to tell herself and then her eyes, smiling with tenderness. With a kind of love that flowed out of her body and surrounded the room, touched everyone, much as the music did before.
She quickly scanned the room as her features greeted the present and the absentees as well. And then, as soon as her eyes met mine her time hardened expression softened under the sun lit room and a little smirk played on her lips. Nothing presumptuous, but she knew what she was about to do. It was a private joke of ours.
The room was silent. Only the music played in the background to serve as grip, an invisible arm for everyone to hold on to as every single person looked at the woman that was about to take the empty seat beside me. Jaws were on the floor, everyone was looking over trying to maybe catch an answer in the air but every expression in the room was blank.
It couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. This could not in any way be happening. She couldn’t be here. It had been more than four years since she went away. Four years since she was put to rest. And yet there she was. Sitting in her chair as if she had just woken up from her usual nap, ready to take on the topic of conversation and make some joke here and there with all the wit time hadn’t been able to steal away from her.
By now I knew this was just a dream. So did my family and in a way so did she. I could see it in her face. She was saying “Hello” and “Goodbye” to everyone at the same time. Every single person in that room was aware that in some way this was not reality playing but some outlet of it. It could only be. Even so, the room remained quiet. There was no rush to run to “Mama” and “Grandma” or in my case “Great-Grandma”. Everyone just stopped to look at her. Everyone just stopped to drink in this moment that they knew could not be and yet it was.
As I my eyes shifted from hers to look at my family and back to her again, I could feel the warmth of her skin corrupting my cold one. I could hear her breathing next to me. When she moved I moved. Like a reflexion in the mirror. Maybe I thought that in that way she would stay a little longer. She would not go away this time. If only I stayed with her like I hadn’t been able to do so before, maybe she would stay…
She looked at me and with a shadow of her smirk still present and voiced in a clear diction unusual for her age “Here’s your smile” as she opened her lips to give me her secret smile - The one I always asked for in a whisper whenever I saw her, just in case it was the last time. Just in case, so it could at least be a happy memory to revisit. - “Now where’s my hug?” The hug always followed the smile. The hug was always her chance to hold on. Mine as well. - Just in case right? Just in case that was our last memory together. - Her voice was not ordering me to hug her, nor willing me because she knew she wouldn’t need to do so. It was almost a cry, a silent begging, a common desire, a mutual need.
I could feel myself doubting that moment. Was this really a dream? Yes. But I could feel her so strongly! What if this was real? What if then she went away again? Or what if in the end I was hugging air?
But even though I was reticent to do so I leaped out of my chair and bended my body to hug her. To my surprise as I moved in closer the warmth intensified and pretty soon I was touching her skin. And as soon as my arms surrounded her I could feel her. All of her just as I probably used to but failed to remember anymore. And as soon as she embraced me I immediately felt myself sink into her hug. I immediately let myself fall into her motherly embrace as my heart grew heavier and heavier. Oh how I had missed you Bis! How I needed your hug!
This, this was a memory I no longer held. This was the last memory I didn’t get to create. My just in case memory was replaced by perhaps an acknowledging last glance, a rushed scan at her face as someone called my name and willed me into another universe. Lying games and childish grown-ups prevented me from doing so. And soon after that she was gone…
My dream was over before either of us had any chance to let go and look at one another for one last time. I woke up feeling her arms around me still and with the tears that began to fall from my eyes in my dream already on my face as the air around me was cold but the warmth of her skin still warmed me.
As far as last chances go. As far as goodbyes can go, this was surely mine. This was surely what I needed. I miss her so much, I have missed her so much that I know I have shoved all of it into the back of my mind. So far down into a place where I wouldn’t remember it that I never dealt with it. My mind brought it back. My mind knew I needed it. I’ve been pushing it for five years and I needed to face it. This helped. I now hold a last memory. A memory that wasn’t, but a last happy memory nonetheless
- Him: Bye you little dickhead.
- Her: Hate you!
- Him: Love you!
- Her: Love you too!
- Him: *Laughs*
- Her: *Smiles*
Has anyone ever had the feeling that something was lurking in the darkness of your kitchen just waiting for you to go grab your midnight snack to attack you?
I don’t know why but, every single time I go to my kitchen during nighttime - I don’t know if it’s all the small lights from all the appliances or the weird ambiance the shutters give to the room when it’s dark - I always think something is going to jump out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me.
Surely I’m not the only one. Right?
I have this poem I started writing a month ago and I haven’t been able to finish it. I don’t know why. There are some lines I really like but then there’s stuff that I came up with that are just wrong, they feel wrong. But I just, I honestly don’t know where to go with this and what to do with it. I started off nicely and I could see it being one I would like for more than five minutes but I’m royally stuck!
Side Note: I was in my kitchen making lunch singing about what I was doing when out of nowhere I said this line four times in a row before realizing I wasn’t singing about opening my fridge anymore.
“I can tell by the way you look into her eyes. That you’ve never seen a woman before in your life.”
And after that I wanted to keep writing. Sometimes it’s painful to see something unfinished and not be able to do anything. Any suggestions?
Give me my Romeo. And when I shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.” —Juliet Capulet - Romeo & Juliet, William Shakespeare
Every now and then there is an event that is going to shape the next chapter of your life. It can be something as small as taking another street on your way home, or something as big as moving away from home. The repercussions of your actions go further than any of us can see.
Since April 23rd my world turned on its feet. It changed so much that it feels like a lifetime away. I feel as though I have lived years in the span of a few months. So much has happened, so much has changed. Places, notions of time, feelings and their meanings, and me…I changed so much, I feel so much more I have so much more to give. It’s amazing, it feels amazing!
But there are times when all of this overwhelms me. It’s like I am suddenly attuned to what really happened. I know what happened, it’s a part of me now. But you never really notice some things until you really look back. Whether it’s when you’re in the shower singing your favorite song or when your looking out the window at night trying to fall asleep when it hits you it’s as if you’re finally seeing the light.
I promise you it’s a nice story, this one I’m living right now. But I think I’ll keep the details a little while longer. When you love something so much you just want to keep it safe, don’t you? I just wanted to tell you that I was nowhere near as happy or as good before as I am right now. In fact I was not good at all, to myself or others if I’m being honest. But even when you think that you won’t ever be able to turn it around sometimes life surprises you and you surprise yourself.
Never stop believing you can be happy. That’s the biggest tragedy of all.
I feel kinda sad right now, I don’t even think I know why.
“Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but a Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile.” ~ John Green - The Fault In Our Stars
I had almost forgotten what this city felt like in its high season. I should know better, it’s the same story every year.
Resident students come back home from vacations around the world eager to get back in touch with all those friends they haven’t seen since summer started. Out-of-towners come in time to reclaim their old rooms or occupy their newest acquisition while always making sure there is enough room to store their new memories and all the new mementos the coming times are going to provide. And then foreigners arrive just in time to sit out the storm of baggage hustle and jostle. They take the quiet time to settle in and discover the place they will call home for the next year of their lives. A few days in and they already seem to treat these streets by their first name, as if they have known them forever, as if they have loved them forever.
It’s not a big town but before you know it it’s under your skin.
September is a nice month over here. Old familiar faces run into each other and new ones come in pairs at every corner. Streets are filled with voices once again and summer gives its final bow with a bang of laughter, fun filled nights and friends all around.
Tonight we were supposed to meet up for coffee but alas we had forgotten…
Every place is packed, there is no chair available much less four to seat your group of friends. Every bar and cafe around is filled with indistinct chatter, pocket money and empty glasses that are easily and readily replaced.
Those who arrive later in the evening take to the streets to chat around. Benches are taken over and pretty soon the Republic Square floor is just as tempting as a bar stool. That is exactly what we did. Just like old times, just like yesterday it seems.
University stars up again tomorrow. Friends, fun and work get together again and everything in between is a bittersweet moment.
This is my home, but I had almost forgotten what it was like…